


Pop Psychology

by kee



Series: JOB 'verse [4]
Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-17
Updated: 2012-03-17
Packaged: 2017-11-02 02:24:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/363961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kee/pseuds/kee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is how Jensen copes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pop Psychology

**Author's Note:**

> Timestamp for _just one breath_ , covering the period from _Wonderland_ to the main story. Birthday fic for the lovely joans23.

**_Repression_ **

It starts with a laugh.

Jared is laughing and Jensen is drunk. It’s nothing new. The two of them run through every variation of the same theme on any given weekend. One of them laughing, both of them laughing, each of them located somewhere on that sliding scale between barely buzzed and falling down. So, it’s just a typical Saturday night in Vancouver.

Except it’s Jensen’s birthday. And he’s not _that_ drunk. And Jared is clear across the bar for Christ’s sake. There’s no reason his laugh is all Jensen can hear. But the jukebox fades anyway and Rosenbaum’s lips may be moving, but Jensen’s not paying attention.

Jared laughs again, throwing his head back, and Jensen can’t take his eyes off the long line of his throat. There’s too much distance between them for Jensen to make out his dimples, but he knows them by heart anyway.

He knows _Jared_ by heart.

The body slam of sudden realization makes Jensen dizzy. The bar’s too hot and his pleasant little buzz is morphing into a stomach rolling, _oh my God, I think I’m going to throw up now_. He fumbles as he sets his half empty beer down, reaches back blindly to steady the barstool before gracelessly collapsing onto it.

Mike stops mid-ramble. “You okay, man?”

Jensen shakes his head. “I think maybe I’ve had enough.”

Because it’s just the alcohol. It has to be. Jensen can’t be in love with Jared. And even if he is, he did _not_ just figure it out in a dive bar with sawdust on the floor. Life doesn’t work that way. Not his life anyway. Jensen’s careful and methodical. He thinks things through, he takes his time. He does not fall in love at the drop of a hat, booming laugh and dimples be damned.

Jensen tries to rally all the sober brain cells he has left to think about this logically. He doesn’t take random emotional leaps. 

Jensen can actually feel the blood drain from his face as his train of thought reaches its destination. 

_Oh, fuck_. He’s in love with Jared Padalecki. And just like their typical Saturday night, it’s not anything new. It’s simply been hiding, for _months_ probably, safely tucked away in his subconscious.

Jensen’s heart is racing and panic is starting to creep in. He has no idea what to do now. Mike’s watching him carefully, so Jensen decides the rest of the analysis will have to wait until he doesn’t feel like laughing hysterically or puking all over Mike’s shoes.

Jensen looks back to where Jared’s sitting with Tom just as Jared glances up. Jensen’s not quite sure what Jared sees, but his smile fades a notch as he holds Jensen’s gaze. He’s already rising as Mike waves him over.

Jared’s palm falls warm and heavy against the back of Jensen’s neck. Jensen drops his head, stares at the tips of Jared’s boots and tries not to shiver.

Jared squeezes gently. “Jen?”

Jensen’s too afraid to answer. Scared that if he opens his mouth, it will all come spilling out.

Rosenbaum’s voice seems unnaturally loud. “I think the birthday boy’s had a little too much birthday cheer. Or beer. Or both.” It’s a weak attempt at humor and Mike’s the only one who laughs.

Jared is focused on Jensen. “You want to go?”

There are a lot of things Jensen wants. Very few of them will he actually be able to have. The weight of it makes him tired. “Yeah.”

“Let’s go, then.”

Jensen slides from the barstool, stumbling a bit as he finds his feet. Jared throws an arm around Jensen’s shoulders and steers him toward the door. 

Jared’s soft laugh drifts across the top of Jensen’s head. “You’re going to be feeling this tomorrow.”

Jensen thinks, _you have no idea_. 

 

**_Denial_ **

Chris is calling every couple of hours like clockwork, but Jensen’s dodging him. It’s self-preservation more than anything. He wants to pretend nothing’s changed, and he knows once he talks to Chris, he won’t be able to. Kane’s scary intuitive when it comes to Jensen. He’s like Obi Wan, detecting a disturbance in the force. Jensen’s never been able to hide anything from Chris, even over the phone.

Jensen grabs a beer and goes out to his balcony. The next time the phone rings, he picks up. No use in continuing to postpone the inevitable.

Chris doesn’t even bother with hello. “You’ve been avoiding me.”

“No, I haven’t. I was…”

“Don’t even try to lie to me, man. I call to wish you a happy birthday, and you practically hang up on me. I know you were drunk, but that’s really no excuse. Then you don’t answer your phone for two days. That’s some serious amount of bullshit right there, Jensen.”

“Sorry.”

“What’s going on with you?”

“Nothing.”

“Try again.”

“Nothing you can do anything about.”

“Oh, so you’re gonna be like that? Gonna make me pull it out of you? Fine. I’ll play. Is it bigger than a breadbox?”

That startles a laugh out of Jensen. “You could say that. And what the hell is a breadbox anyway?”

Jensen can hear the grin in Chris’ voice. “Damned if I know. Bigger than a breadbox, huh? Let me think about that.”

Jensen starts humming the theme to _Jeopardy_.

Chris snorts. “Okay, Alex, I’ll even phrase it in the form of a question for you. Did you meet a _boy_? Is that what this is all about?”

Stupid Christian Kane with his stupid spidey-sense.

Jensen picks at the label on his bottle of beer. “Not exactly.”

There’s silence on Chris’ end of the line and then he simply says, “Oh.”

“Chris…”

“So, you finally figured it out then. I was wondering when you’d get around to it.”

“You _knew_?”

“Of course, I knew. I’m your best friend. And I’ve seen how you are with him.”

“I didn’t even know. Not until my birthday.”

“Again with the bullshit, Jensen. You may not have wanted to admit it. But you knew.”

Jensen blows out a breath that sounds suspiciously like a sigh. “It’s just a crush.” He braces himself for the pity he’ll hear next, and Chris doesn’t disappoint.

“Jensen.”

“It’s a fucking crush. That’s all. And I’ll get over it just like I got over my fourth grade teacher.” Jensen’s hand tightens on the phone. He needs Chris to agree with him, here. Because if it really is love, it’s hopeless, and Jensen’s not sure how he’ll live with that. “It’s just a crush, Chris.”

“If you say so.” Chris is telling Jensen what he wants to hear, even though he probably doesn’t believe it himself. Jensen doesn’t believe it either, but he appreciates the effort.

Neither of them points out the obvious – the past tense of crush is _crushed_.

 

**_Sublimation_ **

Jensen has a love-hate relationship with Dean Winchester. Hands down, it’s the best role he’s had to date. But, man, does it kick his ass on a daily basis. The physical pounding, Jensen can deal with. It’s the emotional battery that keeps him up at night.

Dean couldn’t be more different than Jensen in some ways. He often favors instinct over reason. He has absolutely no filter. He can be rash and reckless and wild. But, he’s also dedicated to the job and loyal to a fault. He loves fiercely and without limit. 

Jensen can identify with that.

After two years, Jensen knows Dean to the point that slipping into his skin is almost as natural as breathing. It’s slipping back out that’s starting to get difficult.

Heading into the last three episodes of the season, Jensen’s averaging about four hours of sleep a night. _What is and What Should Never Be_ turns Dean upside-down and inside out, taking Jensen along for the ride. Jared looks progressively more worried as he hands Jensen his coffee each morning as they ride to the set. 

Jared never asks. And Jensen never tells. But, he can feel Jared watching. Waiting. He knows if he falls, Jared will catch him.

They film Sam’s death scene and it’s so goddamn awful, Jared a dead weight in Jensen’s arms. But as bad as it is, Jensen knows it’s got nothing on the monologue he’ll have to deliver in Part Two. He’s pretty sure that scene’s going to fucking kill him. It will be a couple of days before they film it, but Jensen can’t stop obsessing.

The next morning, he walks into the read-through to find Sera and Bob discussing camera angles. The dailies on the final scene at Cold Oak must be amazing, because Sera can’t stop raving about the aerial shot.

She’s practically bouncing in her chair. “Wait ‘til you see it, Jensen. It’s freaking gorgeous. It’s got all three of my favorite characters captured perfectly.”

“Excuse me?” Most of the scene is a purposeful blur in Jensen’s memory, but he’s pretty sure only he and Jared were on camera at the time.

Bob grins. “Sera has a theory.”

Sera slaps Bob on the arm. “It’s a _brilliant_ theory.”

Bob nods toward Jensen. “So, share it with the class.”

“In every scene with Sam and Dean there are three characters. There’s Sam, there’s Dean and then there’s Sam and Dean’s relationship. That’s why it was such a genius move to end on the high shot, not the close up.” 

There’s a truth there that resonates with Jensen, but he knows there’s even more to it. In every scene with Sam and Dean, there is also Jared, and Jensen, and _their_ relationship.

In the real world, Jared has Sandy. Whatever Jensen feels for Jared, he won’t rock that boat. They both deserve better and Jensen’s never been one to try and take his happiness at the cost of someone else’s. He’s not that guy. But, maybe – maybe if Jensen is very careful – he can channel some of his own emotional turmoil into Dean for a change, instead of the other way around.

Two days later, Kim clears the set of all but essential personnel. Jared stretches out on the dirty mattress, laughing when Kim tells him to play dead. Jensen takes a deep breath as Kim calls _action_.

He pours everything he’s feeling into Dean. He lets his accent slip, lets his voice break. It’s Jensen as much as Dean, yelling, “What am I supposed to do?”

It’s fucking painful, but it’s also liberating. Jensen’s in love with Jared. And if the only way he’ll ever get to truly show it is by letting Dean love Sam, then so be it.

He’ll take what he can get.

 

**_Displacement_ **

During hiatus, Jensen splits his time between Richardson and Los Angeles. He doesn’t have a project lined up for the summer, and that’s just the way he wants it. He needs time to decompress. Time to rest. Time away from Jared. 

Jared’s splitting his time between Texas and California, too. It takes some maneuvering, but Jensen always manages to be in one state, while Jared’s in the other. So far, Jared hasn’t picked up on it and Jensen’s keeping his fingers crossed.

That’s not a conversation he wants to have.

Texas is long lazy days and his Granddad’s barbecue brisket. Jensen’s able to spend more time with his family than he has in years. He loves it, just like he loves them. The feeling of being home, of being with people who’ve known him forever and know everything about him is just what he needs to ground himself and recharge. But it’s a double-edged sword. Two weeks in, his mom starts giving him knowing looks and asking him leading questions. Jensen high-tails it back to LA before she cracks him open like a nut.

If he tells her, then it will be true.

California is a different club every night, pounding music and dancing until morning, just one body in an anonymous throng. Something else he hasn’t done for years. He dances and he flirts, but he never hits the back room. And he always goes home alone. If he’s waiting for something, or saving himself for someone, he won’t admit it.

Not even to himself.

It’s Saturday night, and he’s debating whether or not he wants to go out or stay in. A few hours of losing himself versus too much time to think. He’s so apathetic, he’s about to flip a coin, when his cell rings. 

It’s Jared.

Jared’s talking a mile a minute, as if he’s determined to catch Jensen up on the last four weeks in five minutes. Jensen’s not even sure he’s taking time to breathe. Jensen can hear the dogs barking in the background.

There’s a smile in Jared’s voice. “I think they know I’m talking to you. They must miss you, too.”

Jensen swallows hard. “Too?”

“Well, yeah, sure. I miss you. Don’t you miss me? Joined at the hip nine months out of the year. It’s weird, man. Not having you here to share my every random thought with. Are you still in LA? We’ll be back there on Thursday. Maybe we could all have dinner?”

Jensen’s scrambling for some sort of excuse as to why he absolutely, positively cannot have dinner with Jared and Sandy, when Jared saves him the effort. “Sorry man, gotta go. My girl’s calling me.” It sounds like Jared tries to cover the receiver as he says affectionately, “Be right there, babe.” But Jensen hears it loud and clear and he can’t get off the phone fast enough.

An hour later, Jensen hits the club like a man on a mission, wearing black leather pants and barely there eyeliner. He’s not here to dance. 

It doesn’t take long to find what he’s looking for. The guy’s name is Darren. Jensen lets him buy the first round. They move to the dance floor and grind their way through one song and then another. Jensen’s sweaty and restless and too much in his own head. When Darren raises an eyebrow and tilts his head in the direction of the door, Jensen decides _what the fuck_.

Darren is tall, buff and brown haired. His laugh is loud and free, but sounds somehow _off_ to Jensen’s ears.

Jensen refuses to think about it.

Not when he follows Darren’s SVU through the city streets. Not when they’re bumping into furniture on the way to Darren’s bedroom. And certainly not when he’s been peeled out of those leather pants and arranged ass-up on a king sized bed. The prep’s too fast, but that’s fine. Jensen wants it to hurt. His dick is hard, but there’s a strange disconnect between his arousal and his brain. There’s no true pleasure to be found. Darren slides in and Jensen closes his eyes, gripping the sheet tightly.

He’s never felt so empty.

 

**_Reaction Formation_ **

The distance that grows between Sam and Dean as Season Three unfolds suits Jensen just fine. Little things about Jared are starting to get on his nerves. Personality quirks that used to either amuse Jensen, or at worst roll on by, are driving Jensen batshit insane.

Jared is loud. All the time. He can’t sit still. He can’t shut up. It gets to the point where Jensen starts hiding in his trailer to find a small amount of peace. Even that doesn’t always work. Jared will sometimes follow him anyway and plop down on the couch right next to him.

Jared has no respect for personal space. If there was a time where Jensen liked that about him, he refuses to remember it now. Any time Jay gets too close, Jensen tenses as if bracing for a blow.

Of course Jared notices. Everyone notices. The second unit lighting guy who started last week notices. At first, Jared acts like it’s a joke and amps up his behavior, pushing forward whenever Jensen pulls back. But after literally weeks of Jensen’s cold shoulder, even Jared seems to dim. Jensen’s worked hard enough at it, so all he can think is it’s about damn time.

It comes to a head while they’re filming _Jus in Bello_. The jail cell mock up doesn’t even have four walls, but Jensen still feels claustrophobic. They’ve been working on the scene for what seems like hours, he and Jared side by side on the cot, Jared’s thigh pressed against his. Take after take of somebody screwing up. First Malik, then Jared, then it’s the fucking boom mike. When Jared makes his tenth joke about erectile dysfunction, Jensen blows.

“Could you just be serious for one fucking second so we can get this scene in the can? Is that too much to ask?”

Jared actually recoils and an appalled hush settles heavy on the set. There’s color across Jared’s cheekbones when he tilts his chin to meet Jensen’s gaze. “No, Jensen. That’s not too much to ask.”

They get the scene on the next take. This time, it’s Jared who walks away.

Jensen’s brain catches up with his mouth and he’s as horrified as anyone else by his behavior. He feels sick. He stops just long enough to apologize to Kim before he races after Jared.

He catches Jared halfway to the trailers, grabbing his arm and trying to swing him around. Jared stops, but doesn’t turn. Jensen doesn’t let go.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Jared. You didn’t deserve that.”

“What have I done to deserve any of it?”

Jensen’s at a loss, because there’s no good answer for that question. “Jay.”

“You act like you can’t stand me anymore, Jensen. I just want to know why.” Jared finally turns and his eyes are shining. And fuck if that’s not a stab to the heart.

None of this is Jared’s fault.

“It’s me, man. It’s all me. I’m an asshole. I’m going through some shit and I’ve been taking it out on you and I’m so fucking sorry, Jay.”

Jared’s still looking at him with wet, doubtful eyes and if Jensen’s broken their friendship beyond repair, he thinks he might die. He steps right up into Jared’s space and hugs him as hard as he can. Jared stays stiff for a moment, but then his arms come up and he’s hugging Jensen back just as hard.

Jared’s voice is muffled in Dean’s leather jacket. “What can I do?”

The slight hiccupping sound Jensen makes has nothing to do with him trying not to cry. “Forgive me.”

“No. I mean about whatever shit you’re going through. What can I do?”

Jensen hangs on tighter. “You’re already doing it.” 

 

**_Intellectualization_ **

It takes Jensen hurting Jared to realize how much damage he’s been doing to himself and everyone around him by trying to outrun his feelings. There’s no winning that race. What he feels is who he is, and wherever he runs, it’s right there waiting.

Maybe it will fade in time. Maybe he will fall out of love, if not as easily, then possibly as certainly as he fell in it. Maybe there will come a day when he looks at Jared and doesn’t want more.

In the meantime, Jensen resolves to be a better friend. He works hard to rebuild Jared’s trust. Jared makes it ridiculously easy. A sincere apology, a half-assed explanation – they hugged it out and that’s really all Jared seems to need to put their friendship back on track. Jensen resolves not to take it for granted again. He won’t throw away what they have, aching for something more. It’s not worth it.

Fall brings talk of a probable writer’s strike. The set grows tense, everyone’s livelihood on the line. _Supernatural_ has always lived on the bubble and something like this could kill it for good. When Jared starts getting nervous, worrying about their future, Jensen stays calm. They’ve always complemented each other, creating their own balance. Jared needs Jensen to hold his end of their seesaw steady, so that’s what Jensen will do.

When the strike’s a done deal, they go out and get drunk. Well, Jared gets drunk. Jensen nurses one beer. _Very_ slowly. Purposefully lowering his inhibitions around a needy Jared Padalecki would be monumental levels of stupid. Even if it is all sorts of tempting.

Jensen’s toying with the basket of peanuts in the middle of the table when Jared looks up from his sixth beer and says, “It feels like everything’s spinning away from me.”

“Jay.”

“No. Seriously. It’s out of control. This could change our whole lives, Jen. And there’s _nothing_ we can do about it.”

“Whatever happens, you’ll be fine. I know it.”

“Yeah. Probably. I just wish – It’s my life. There should be something I can do.”

“You’ll figure it out, Jay.”

A few days later they’re in Chicago for the fan convention. Jared’s in a much better mood. He’s got Sandy along and he’s talking about taking advantage of the break, going home for a while and then maybe Europe. Jensen thinks it’s a great idea. They have a blast at the con and then fly to DFW together. Jensen keeps Jared and Sandy company until it’s time for them to catch their connecting flight to San Antonio. They say goodbye in front of the security checkpoint.

Jared pulls Jensen in for a hug. “I’ll call you from the Eiffel Tower.”

Jensen laughs. “You do that.”

 

**_Altruism_ **

For this break, Jensen sticks to Texas. No LA, no clubs, no leather, no eyeliner. He’s over all that. He talks to Jared every couple of days and they text back and forth all the time.

He catches up on his sleep and reads a few good books. He endures his mother’s knowing looks and even answers a leading question or two. She knows there’s someone, but he can’t bring himself to tell her who.

Three weeks after Christmas, his phone rings in the middle of dinner. He pulls it out of his pocket to shut it off, but there’s Jared’s smiling face staring at him from the screen. He excuses himself with an apologetic shrug and moves to the kitchen to take the call.

“Don’t tell me you’re actually calling me from the Eiffel Tower.”

“I did it! Oh, my God, Jen. I actually fucking did it.”

Jared’s exuberance is overwhelming enough to be felt through a wireless connection over thousands of miles. Whatever he did, it must have been good. Jensen grins without even knowing why. Jared sounds happy. Not nervous, or worried, or scared. Just _happy_.

“Did what, Jay?”

“Proposed. Like down on one knee, here’s the ring, will you marry me, _proposed_. The whole nine, man. She fucking cried. Am I awesome or what?”

Turns out, hope makes a sound when it slips from your hands. So much louder when you didn’t even know you were holding on to it to begin with. Jared is still talking, but Jensen can’t make it out over the crash that’s ringing in his ears.

He feels hollowed out, gutted. There’s a lump the size of his heart stuck in his throat and heat building behind his eyes. Jensen knows he’s got to get off the phone before he breaks completely.

Jared is _still_ talking. “… In the City of Light, dude. How fucking cool is that?”

Jensen wills his voice steady, calls on every ounce of training he has, and _prays_ that Jared won’t hear anything but the good natured teasing he’s expecting. “So, she said yes, I guess?”

And Jensen must have pulled it off, because Jared just laughs. “Yeah. She said yes. I’m getting married, Jen. Can you fucking believe it?”

“Actually, no. But give me some time, I’ll get used to it.” It’s a killing truth, wrapped in an affectionate tone and Jared doesn’t have the slightest clue. Jensen deserves a fucking Emmy. “Congratulations, Jay. If you’re happy, I’m happy.”

One day that might even be the truth.

They say goodbye. Jensen’s hands are shaking when he disconnects the call. He stands motionless as it all washes over him. Mindlessly, he turns to find his mother standing in the kitchen doorway, concern written all over her face.

“Jared’s getting married.” 

Jensen tries to smile, but fails miserably. The composure he’d held on to so desperately while talking to Jared vanishes completely. It’s like he’s ten years old again, getting his heart broken for the first time. “Mom…”

She’s already moving towards him when he starts to crack.

“Oh, baby. I’m so sorry.” She wraps him in her arms and his first sobbing breath is muffled against her shoulder. She rocks him gently back and forth, there in the middle of the kitchen. “It’s okay, baby. You’re going to be okay.”

When Jensen was in fourth grade, he believed her completely.

This time, he’s not so sure.

 

_END_


End file.
